It’s been so long that I can’t say for sure how I became lonely. I live in a house with a woman, with whom I am espoused, and 2 young men -all of whom have their own plans and lives. There isn’t much animosity between us. There are some moments of levity, but perhaps because there is so much time between those moments and the last time we’ve spent quality time with each other… it feels more like interactions with co-workers at the office, lacking enough depth for it to feel like a meaningful connection.

I don’t feel resentment toward them for the current state of our relationships. I’m just not sure how to relate in a meaningful way.. their lives are taking off… seemingly all in different directions, but I didn’t take off in any direction. Perhaps that is the problem. Life doesn’t stand still. Most people wouldn’t begrudge someone a little time after an accident or major loss. It’s been a little over 10 years since I lost my youth… I didn’t transition well from the summer season of my life, to the fall season.

I grew up home-schooled as a child, and my parents were not great providers.. neither of my parents did a good job of teaching me how to live, manage money, have friends.. they did take us to church, where I met a person or 2 whom I could admire from afar. However, I didn’t realize until later in life, that what I believed was an ideal persona to modeI - was a wonderfully crafted mask. A few of my “heroes” fell to the consumers that follow sin… thinking of the langoliers… a movie I had no business watching somewhere my parents had no business leaving me as a child… we live in a fallen world, and in it… a spiritual war wages. However, the people in power and/or the idols are given power to deceive.. The Bible talks about how that God speeding up time in the last days to save the very elect from being deceived. If you want to try to really get in touch with God, and spend time with Him.. the little g, god of this world.. will work against you. Now, if you walk a sinless life, or are honestly trying to do your best - God covers His children to shelter them from the effects of sin. If you obey God, you can achieve blessing in this life and eternity. I’m not convinced the alternative is true.. Satan, like most given power on earth… consume. God is the opposite, He gives life and blessing, and the result isn’t that life or blessing is taken from others - He is the author of selflessly giving life, goodness, and blessing. His Kingdom is righteousness, peace & joy in the Holy Ghost. The little g, God’s kingdom gives pleasure for a season, but even in this life it costs you, and ultimately, it results in spiritual death and everlasting torment.

God asked me to write when I asked Him what must I do to be saved. Lord, I hate writing this. Why must I write to be saved? Reading this little bit that I’ve written.. does not make me feel better. It feels more like an indictment against my past and present, or a confession.

that 1st bit, and what I initially sat down to write… I should make time with my wife and children, and I’m confident I could have made something work.. why am I depressed- feeling like there is no hope? Why did I choose to stay home alone the past 2 days? I am aggravated almost beyond the ability to measure.. that I’m expected to go along with whatever my wife has cooked up. This is her house that I live in… that’s decorated how she likes… if we do anything together… it’s 100% of the time what she wants to do. I want to east the lion diet.. or at worst keto, but the house is filled with sweet treats, chips and all the things I find detestable… she volunteers me for all the things that are important to her, like helping her pull off any of the church events that she volunteers to be responsible for… she orders untold and countless crappy Chinese pieces of furniture that come in 1000 pieces, and if I show any hesitation in wanting to assemble all this crap… she aggravated. She’s picked 90% of our vacation destinations and accommodations and activities and food for those… we aren’t physically involved and haven’t been for at least a year. I can’t blame all of my life’s shortcomings on her. I have stopped saying yes. I didn’t attend her brother’s July 4th party today. I didn’t go to the lake with her this week. I didn’t go to the pool with her earlier today… I’m not just going to say yes to all the things she previously drug me into… she still pays the bills… I realize inflation is real, but regardless of how much money I’ve made… it’s gone as soon as she as she sees it… I have tried to arrest our finances and every time ended in life being even more intolerable… she truly MUST spend money to be happy… and I am opposite… I MUST save money or at least pay off a bill that’s been weighing on my mind, to be happy… enough of her…

What’s going right… or what do I think is going right?

  • I asked God to take me before I am not able to be saved. I believe He told me that He will save me. This is my bedrock, and when I can find nothing else good - this is good. God loves me and is working to save me
  • I’m making an effort to identify what is good and bad, and attempting to do more good as well as less bad than the person I was yesterday-because my sin is before me in my mind… when I sin less - I experience less shame.
  • I can hear from God when I pray… at least im pretty sure it is Him. I may not have any friends, but I don’t think I have enemies (aside from the fallen angels)…
  • I’m physically mobile
  • I have a working vehicle that I can drive to get around… which is an amazing blessing.. to be able to get places. The United States is large, and there are less than a handful of places here where you can live without a car. Americans have to drive nearly everywhere.

Why don’t I pray more? What is wrong with me? What is so important that I’d not talk to the only one that is a friend to me? What is the source of this anger and disconnectedness in me? What do I not make relationship with You number one priority?

Something in me must come out by prayer/fasting… God I committed to a week-long fast but broke down after 2 days last week. I re-commit to fasting to help me find answers to these problems and/or so You can, if You will - create in me an upright mind, soul, spirit or whatever it is that must be remade to be more aligned to Your Kingdom.

God, You are my only hope. The only one rooting for me. I do not know why You speak to me. I don’t know why You’d want me to write. I’m ashamed of what I write. The idea of this getting out to the world fills me with dread and shame. I could have been great… I was raised in church. My family is in church. I still go to church at least some times.. I think the only reason they let me help, is maybe they believe I may not come back if I were not helping. You are righteous. You are the origin of light, good, love, selflessness. It still amazes me every time I think of how You have Your life to save me. You are so mighty. You are sovereign-everything is in Your hand. You made all of creation, and You created life.

and.. I am unworthy of Your attention - let alone Your love - please, forgive me of my sins. I have been guilty of seeking to numb my emotional and physical pain by constant entertainment.. and by doing so - ignore so many other responsibilities, that I don’t even see a way out/up… let alone a way to be saved. Truly, if I have hope-it is only by Your hand. I beg You Lord, my God and not friend. Please forgive me of my sin. I repent of this sin of perpetual entertainment. I will fast:

  1. Pray at least 15minutes, read some in the Bible, before work or anything else this week… connect with You 1st, oh and I will pray in tongues when I drive. I feel to add also I will connect with You as I lie down to sleep, and write then also.
  2. I will not use any social media or read the news this week. (Except to listen to prayer music- YouTube).
  3. I will abstain from eating food this week, unless You ask me to go with someone to eat